Extremist’s writings are just that. Extreme.

Sat, May 24, 2008

Peak Oil


(This sharp group of cadets have just been read a copy of Rant #446)

That’s right “Extreme”, or better yet, “X-TREME!” In otherwords, played out, old… starting to sound like my grandmother-in-law. In his recent Rant #446 (title link), Peter De Lorenzo presents “Scooterlicious?” Not so much (as soon as I read the retired phrase “Not so much”, I knew).

In Peter’s SUV of a tale, he conjures up extreme examples of why scooters are dumb. He starts with the “Americans are a bunch of fad riders” notion. Come on, this isn’t the America of the 80′s with people clobbering each other to get their hands on a Cabbage Patch Kid or a Furby. I’d say we’ve gotten a bit more sensible with our fad purchases. Today our frenzied buying sprees are more akin to Japan’s trend of wanting to ride that bleeding edge (iPhone 2.0). We know something important is approaching and we want to do what we can to not be bowled over by it. Really, think about it. Things are moving so fast in today’s world, if you fell into a 6 year coma today, you would be LOST when you snapped out of it; and, when you eventually find your keys you’ll wonder how you’re going to afford to fill up that old Ford Exorbitant of yours.

Pete seems fairly certain that the bump at the pump is responsible for turning Americans into mindless, fuel efficient, zombies. Instead Pete, what we’ve got going on today is a sort of “perfect storm” paradigm shift. Take the standard pendulum trend theory (long to short, high to low, jock to geek, big to small), combine it with the Green Movement (which has moved from a simmer to a roaring boil in the last decade), add a dash of globalism (macho Americans becoming comfortable with a more European mindset), sprinkle some “we’re tired of the oil war” and top it all off with a heaping glob of “damn our economy sucks and gas is too high” and you get the NeoAmerican period 2008 – 20xx).

Well, the eye-rolling rant doesn’t stop with reminiscing the America of 20 something years ago. Nope, Pete reaches way back to another tired idea, “Americans are hopping on scooters to reenact scenes from the 1950′s movie, Roman Holiday.” You know what? I’ve never watched Roman Holiday. I’d be willing to bet most new scooter buyers haven’t either. Sure, I’d like to ride to the local bakery for a nice piece of buttered, old-world bread and a latte, but it’s a case of of art imitating life and not lives imitating art. If someone is indeed buying a scooter to portray the romantic scooter lifestyles from the 50′s and 60′s they are probably approaching 50 or 60 years old themselves (not the largest scooter buying demographic) and they probably looking at something more along the lines of a Honda Silverwing or Suzuki Burgman, not a tiny Vespa.

Peter DOES manage to stumble over some logic in his rant by stating that “scooters aren’t cute little toys” and following up with the fact that scooting around the populated streets safely is no casual endeavor. Bravo my man! Riding a scooter CAN be fun and is definitely a much more sensual experience than driving a car, but you’d be a nut case to ride the streets with anything less than 100% of your wits about you.

Diving back into the pool of the preposterous, Pete warns of the perils awaiting us on the streets. “Horrible, crumbling roads” are out to get us. Pete, if you want to see horrible, crumbling roads, you should visit Asia and they LIVE on scooters out there! Ok, I’m being extreme, but they manage to traverse the countryside on their “cute” little scooters quite nicely.

Next, we are on to this classic which has traditionally been a good ol’ American catch-22. “Large vehicles are out to get you! The world drives hum-vees and every one of them is piloted by a dunce on a cellphone”. While this is correct to some degree (even a broken clock is right twice a day), it’s a dumb reason to stay with your 4-wheeled behemoth. Let’s go back to what I meant by “good ol’ American catch-22″?

Well, way back when, I remember hearing the old folk talk about how “scooters and small cars ain’t safe”. They’d say, “Hell, I’d never ride no small vehicle. You’ll get killed! The bigger, the better. If you wreck in wunna them SMART cars, they can just bury the whole damn thing right in the ground.” UGH! You want to know what bigger means? Bigger means more surface space to hit (bigger targets). Bigger means greater momentum (harder to stop). Small means nimble, light and much more forgiving on impact. I say ride small. If you will, someone else will and they might inspire someone else down the line. Eventually, major accidents that were once massive piles of carnage and twisted heaps of steel become a virtual Benny Hill bumper car scene (can you hear “Yakety Sax” playing in the background?) Oops, I’m being extreme again.

To wrap up his rant, Pete gives us a quote straight from the books of Americans past. To the NeoAmerican it almost reads like the writings of a Neanderthal when he says:

Just remember to double-check that sideview mirror, because there might be a stray “Marcello” or “Sophia” hanging off your rear bumper…

Ahhh, those were the days. Do you remember when Americans were just a bunch of big cavemen riding around on their big dinosaurs without a clue about what was going on around them? It wasn’t so long ago. If you ever want to see the exhibit, just swing by the AutoExtremist… but don’t feed the animals.

In summary, I’m just saying that these arguments against Americans moving to small vehicles are old and tired. They don’t need to be handed down to the next generation. They were the excuses we’ve always been fed for why we should stay the course. Sometimes you’ve just got to make up your own mind and leave behind those ancient, hardheaded beliefs. It may not always make sense (financial or otherwise) today, but your kids might look back through the family photo albums of you with an SUV and later you with a SMART or on a scooter and see that YOU were there for the evolution.

(sorry, one good rant deserves another… No disrespect is meant to you Mr. De Lorenzo. This is just a rowdy debate so I thought I’d hop in. I will say that I do agree, buying a scooter to replace your 2006 Tahoe is probably not the most financially feasible idea… but sticking with it for another 5 years probably isn’t either.)

,

10 Responses to “Extremist’s writings are just that. Extreme.”

  1. GenWaylaid Says:

    Thanks to Netflix, I actually did see “Roman Holiday” a few months ago. I recall the scooter only getting a couple minutes of screen time, and it almost landed the main characters in jail. I spent most of the movie looking at Audrey Hepburn’s…eyes.

    Reply

  2. GenWaylaid Says:

    By the way, Steve, I love the bumper car idea. It would be ideal for city driving, especially here in Boston where right-of-way is decided by shoving matches. To save even more fuel, put it in neutral and let the enraged SUV driver in back shove a whole line of cars down the road!

    Reply

  3. Tim Says:

    The bumper car commute is an awesome idea.
    Pete needs to look up “cognitive dissonance” on wikipedia.

    Reply

  4. ScooterScoop Says:

    Hell Tim! _I_ need to look up what “cognitive dissonance” is! …

    Ahh… Nice phrase! I guess I shoulda paid more attention in Psych class.

    Hey Genwaylaid! I do think Boston would definitely benefit from microcars, but also electric bikes to take you to the train and back. You guys got a pretty good system going on over there.

    Reply

  5. mdchen Says:

    BAHAW

    excellent dissection of a steaming pile of preposterous bloviation. awesome show great job.

    Reply

  6. vaughanpederson Says:

    Great rant on a rant! You nailed Americana since the 80s. Wow how many cups of coffee did you have anyway?

    You obviously spent more time thinking about your response than he did writing his column!

    I liked Roman Holiday. I liked Peter Moore’s book “Vroom with a View” even more. In fact I’m planning a trip through Tuscany of a Vespa at least partially s a result of the book. We may be a people who enjoy our “fads”, but scooters are much more than a craze. Scooters endure. De Lorenzo just doesn’t get it.

    Reply

  7. Anonymous Says:

    Now Steve… I am not sure what’s in your bloodstream that makes you say things (occasionally)like “If someone is indeed buying a scooter to portray the romantic scooter lifestyles from the 50′s and 60′s they are probably approaching 50 or 60 years old themselves (not the largest scooter buying demographic) and they probably looking at something more along the lines of a Honda Silverwing or Suzuki Burgman, not a tiny Vespa.”

    …but I beg to differ. I couldn’t give two poops about “Roman Holiday” also – yet I own a Burgman 650 Executive, a Burgman 400, and keep, ride, and maintain a Helix 250 for my truculent female friend.

    That guy’s write simply made him look like a tool – and a tool he is.

    But hey bud – go easy on us mega-scoot owners! (wink)

    YB – Pete

    Reply

  8. VTScoot Says:

    this isn’t the America of the 80′s with people clobbering each other to get their hands on a Cabbage Patch Kid or a Furby

    So then how do you explain the psycho consumer frenzy that was the release of the iphone, xbox and wii? There’s nothing that will get ME outa bed at 2am to get in line to go shopping (many hours later), but a lotta people did.

    I can’t speak for the rest of America, only the slice I see here locally. My GF was working for years in the HQ of a certain fashion designer. Office full of people, and these people bought cars the ways teenagers buy clothes. Not even an exagerration, I’m afraid. At first it was the Audi, all the hens got together and decided it was the new “it” car, and the parking lot became FULL of them. A couple years later, the SUV was the “it” car, and they sold off their Audis and bought SUVs, and the lot was positively full of them. Presently, the new “it” car is the Prius, and all those SUVs are being traded in for a Prius – which I don’t personally want to dissuade them from, but it’s a continuation of the saga all the same. I agree that i can’t speak for the rest of America, but we’re a small community in a very small state, and if that kinda crap happens here, I’m fairly sure it happens in larger communities with an even greater groupthink virus.

    Reply

  9. Leo Says:

    Where was he when people were buying crotchrockets en masse in the ’90′s?

    Reply

  10. Tim Says:

    He was out buying a crotch rocket.

    Reply

Leave a Reply to Anonymous