TheScooterScoop

(This sharp group of cadets have just been read a copy of Rant #446)

That’s right “Extreme”, or better yet, “X-TREME!” In otherwords, played out, old… starting to sound like my grandmother-in-law. In his recent Rant #446 (title link), Peter De Lorenzo presents “Scooterlicious?” Not so much (as soon as I read the retired phrase “Not so much”, I knew).

In Peter’s SUV of a tale, he conjures up extreme examples of why scooters are dumb. He starts with the “Americans are a bunch of fad riders” notion. Come on, this isn’t the America of the 80′s with people clobbering each other to get their hands on a Cabbage Patch Kid or a Furby. I’d say we’ve gotten a bit more sensible with our fad purchases. Today our frenzied buying sprees are more akin to Japan’s trend of wanting to ride that bleeding edge (iPhone 2.0). We know something important is approaching and we want to do what we can to not be bowled over by it. Really, think about it. Things are moving so fast in today’s world, if you fell into a 6 year coma today, you would be LOST when you snapped out of it; and, when you eventually find your keys you’ll wonder how you’re going to afford to fill up that old Ford Exorbitant of yours.

Pete seems fairly certain that the bump at the pump is responsible for turning Americans into mindless, fuel efficient, zombies. Instead Pete, what we’ve got going on today is a sort of “perfect storm” paradigm shift. Take the standard pendulum trend theory (long to short, high to low, jock to geek, big to small), combine it with the Green Movement (which has moved from a simmer to a roaring boil in the last decade), add a dash of globalism (macho Americans becoming comfortable with a more European mindset), sprinkle some “we’re tired of the oil war” and top it all off with a heaping glob of “damn our economy sucks and gas is too high” and you get the NeoAmerican period 2008 – 20xx).

Well, the eye-rolling rant doesn’t stop with reminiscing the America of 20 something years ago. Nope, Pete reaches way back to another tired idea, “Americans are hopping on scooters to reenact scenes from the 1950′s movie, Roman Holiday.” You know what? I’ve never watched Roman Holiday. I’d be willing to bet most new scooter buyers haven’t either. Sure, I’d like to ride to the local bakery for a nice piece of buttered, old-world bread and a latte, but it’s a case of of art imitating life and not lives imitating art. If someone is indeed buying a scooter to portray the romantic scooter lifestyles from the 50′s and 60′s they are probably approaching 50 or 60 years old themselves (not the largest scooter buying demographic) and they probably looking at something more along the lines of a Honda Silverwing or Suzuki Burgman, not a tiny Vespa.

Peter DOES manage to stumble over some logic in his rant by stating that “scooters aren’t cute little toys” and following up with the fact that scooting around the populated streets safely is no casual endeavor. Bravo my man! Riding a scooter CAN be fun and is definitely a much more sensual experience than driving a car, but you’d be a nut case to ride the streets with anything less than 100% of your wits about you.

Diving back into the pool of the preposterous, Pete warns of the perils awaiting us on the streets. “Horrible, crumbling roads” are out to get us. Pete, if you want to see horrible, crumbling roads, you should visit Asia and they LIVE on scooters out there! Ok, I’m being extreme, but they manage to traverse the countryside on their “cute” little scooters quite nicely.

Next, we are on to this classic which has traditionally been a good ol’ American catch-22. “Large vehicles are out to get you! The world drives hum-vees and every one of them is piloted by a dunce on a cellphone”. While this is correct to some degree (even a broken clock is right twice a day), it’s a dumb reason to stay with your 4-wheeled behemoth. Let’s go back to what I meant by “good ol’ American catch-22″?

Well, way back when, I remember hearing the old folk talk about how “scooters and small cars ain’t safe”. They’d say, “Hell, I’d never ride no small vehicle. You’ll get killed! The bigger, the better. If you wreck in wunna them SMART cars, they can just bury the whole damn thing right in the ground.” UGH! You want to know what bigger means? Bigger means more surface space to hit (bigger targets). Bigger means greater momentum (harder to stop). Small means nimble, light and much more forgiving on impact. I say ride small. If you will, someone else will and they might inspire someone else down the line. Eventually, major accidents that were once massive piles of carnage and twisted heaps of steel become a virtual Benny Hill bumper car scene (can you hear “Yakety Sax” playing in the background?) Oops, I’m being extreme again.

To wrap up his rant, Pete gives us a quote straight from the books of Americans past. To the NeoAmerican it almost reads like the writings of a Neanderthal when he says:

Just remember to double-check that sideview mirror, because there might be a stray “Marcello” or “Sophia” hanging off your rear bumper…

Ahhh, those were the days. Do you remember when Americans were just a bunch of big cavemen riding around on their big dinosaurs without a clue about what was going on around them? It wasn’t so long ago. If you ever want to see the exhibit, just swing by the AutoExtremist… but don’t feed the animals.

In summary, I’m just saying that these arguments against Americans moving to small vehicles are old and tired. They don’t need to be handed down to the next generation. They were the excuses we’ve always been fed for why we should stay the course. Sometimes you’ve just got to make up your own mind and leave behind those ancient, hardheaded beliefs. It may not always make sense (financial or otherwise) today, but your kids might look back through the family photo albums of you with an SUV and later you with a SMART or on a scooter and see that YOU were there for the evolution.

(sorry, one good rant deserves another… No disrespect is meant to you Mr. De Lorenzo. This is just a rowdy debate so I thought I’d hop in. I will say that I do agree, buying a scooter to replace your 2006 Tahoe is probably not the most financially feasible idea… but sticking with it for another 5 years probably isn’t either.)